The following is the final blog of Trisha H’s journey to motherhood. It is with bittersweet sadness that we conclude this series, though we are excited for the many new chapters Trisha and her family will create. Trisha, thank you so much for your invaluable contributions to sharing your voice and for the help you have provided to others going through the same journey.
Our Future – What Stories Will We Share with Friends/Family and our Child(ren)
What will we tell people about our donor egg journey?
This is a topic my husband and I discussed early on in our process. I should probably start by letting you know that you readers know more about our journey than almost everyone in our personal lives. Apart from our mothers, my sister, and two close but not best friends, “strangers” are the only people who know our entire story. Not that we are ashamed of our donor egg family, but because we know some people may not protect this decision with the tenderness it deserves. It would shatter my heart if someone, especially someone we trust, ever used our family as a topic of mockery or gossip. As such, there are some parts of our story we elect to keep private to a certain degree.
Here is how we see it….
What is important is our child was made out of pure LOVE. He is our baby, who grew in my belly for 9 long months. We have an indescribable bond that is only shared between the two of us. It is magical! I still think about the day he was pulled (via c-section) from my belly. The moment I heard him cry, I let out my own cry that came from a place so deep within my soul… a place I have never felt before. I can still remember the instant and greatest love, joy, and relief that came over me… we finally got to meet our sweet baby boy, who looks exactly like his father, may I add. I am telling you, he is the number one reason I was born.
So, back to what we will tell people. As far as family and friends are concerned, those who already know, are the only people, who are not “strangers,” we plan to tell (well, almost – keep reading about “others”). What they know – because there is nothing more to share – is all they will know. We trust in each of them to keep our family secret sacred. For “others” in our lives, they will know our story about the challenges we faced when trying to conceive, and how we met our eventual success through IVF (just not the donor egg part). With “strangers” and “others” in our lives who struggle with fertility (we will only tell other people we know in our lives – family, friends, or acquaintances – if they struggle with trying to conceive themselves), they will know our ENTIRE story. We find it an honor to help other families make their own decision about their options to have a child, even if it means “others” in our lives knowing about our decision to use donor eggs… I believe helping families make the decision about their family is reason number two for why I was born.
Now, will we tell our son? We still have not decided. If we do, it will not be before he is 18 years old. Some of the questions we ponder are – Why does he need to know? How will it make him feel? Will he see me differently? Will he understand? Will it hurt him? Can we deal with the rejection, if it means being honest, should he decide to respond this way? There are so many questions for which we do not have the answers right now. And, any of what we will share will depend on his personality. Will he grow up to be an open-minded individual? If so, and we decide to talk to him about how he was conceived, will we share our story about IVF only or the full truth regarding donor eggs? Again, we do not have the answers at this time and do not believe it to be important right now, either.
In the end, whatever we decide to share, our son will always know he was made with lots of love sprinkled with a little bit of sugar and spice. He will know it takes mommy parts and daddy parts to make a baby and, sometimes, when these parts are not working very well, doctors help mommies and daddies make babies like him.
I like to talk a lot – not only vocally but with my fingers. Contact us with your thoughts and questions. I promise to respond as promptly as possible. Below is a list of planned blog topics, but if you have additional topics to suggest, as they relate to trying to conceive through donor options, please let me know.
The decision journey Part I: The beginning of my fertility journey and the decision to use donor eggs
The decision journey Part II: Deliberating fresh v. frozen eggs
The decision journey Part III: Finding the right donor
How the process worked once I found my donor, and the cradle-to-grave (or “big fat positive” [BFP]) process
Resources I used throughout the decision process
Trisha’s Husband’s Journey: Reflections and Advice to Other Partners
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Register to gain full access into our comprehensive donor profiles, including adulthood photos (upon submitting a photo consent form), family medical history, and personal essays. You‘ll also be able to “favorite” donors you like, print donor profiles, and more!
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